


Are you death or paradise?

by alldatwrite



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: A lot - Freeform, Also EDs may be mentioned, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And some heavy shit will appear, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bear with me I beg you, But I want to create a happy place so, But it's not that slow, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Fluff, Hurt and comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Intern conflicts, Like, Oh and miscarrages, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Season 2, Some anxiety and depression, The journey is still there, There are more tags, Trust Issues, a little bit of smut, and child abuse, anger issues, i just wanna warn y'all, maybe some bpd???? idk man, oh and comphet, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:02:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27766447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alldatwrite/pseuds/alldatwrite
Summary: They say there is a fine line between love and hate, but no one warns you of how survive when you are walking over that line. Some may say the obsession helps... maybe Snow and Regina have the answer to that question.
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Snow White | Mary Margaret Blanchard
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	1. I'd run for miles just to get a taste

**Author's Note:**

> I got a review on the original drabble I wrote, the one for which this story works as a prequel. It reminded me that fanfiction is for ourselves. Not to make money, not to please anyone, not to get famous, but to give ourselves what we want to read, what we want to picture in our head. So, I wrote a story that I wanted to read, a story that I wished someone had written. And that's it. And if someone likes what I have to say, then great. But for now, I just wanna make myself happy.

She told her the truth. She said those three words out loud. She could have lied, she could have crushed her heart even if it hadn't been physical, but she didn't. And, honestly, it had felt liberating to be so recklessly honest. A secret between two people can be a secret with God or a secret with the Devil. She had always kept her secrets as an exclusive item, all to herself. Turns out, a secret you carry all alone is a secret with the loneliness. 

Now she had a key; a shining, brand new key, resting on her stomach. She had the key to the cage. She could free herself and leave, she could ignore Snow's words and leave, with her magic back in place and her power restored. But Regina had been taught since she was a child about honor, and courage, and owning up your mistakes, and your truths, and your lies, and your actions, and your promises. To keep your word. To face the consequences. Her father had taught her that, and she had not honored him by behaving the way she had done all those past years. She had blamed her problems on others. She had hidden, like a coward, when she had made a mistake. 

And now, looking at the ceiling, she realised she had a chance to change. She realised she could do the right thing. She didn't need a crown, or a castle, or a kingdom. She didn't need people either, but she _wanted_ people. She wanted family, and friends. She wanted a life, a normal life. She wanted to stop being the victim, just for once; to allow herself the chance of being unapologetically happy.

And it could start with just a key and a promise to keep. 

She left the cell minutes away from the execution. She thought she had heard the guards, that she may have passed by their side, but she didn't care about it. No one had stopped her, and she knew there had to be a reason, but she couldn't care less as long as she was free. Again, out of the danger zone, the devil on her left shoulder whispered tempting words. "Leave, Regina. Don't wait for her, or anyone. Just run away", "You have her trust, her love. You could kill her". Those words had such power, such a hold on her...

But before she could let them poison her judgement, a hand brushed hers.

"I hoped you would come", Snow said, with a voice that could barely be distinguished from a whisper. The sun was rising, giving her green eyes a glint of orange, making them look brownish. For years, Regina had wished horrible things upon Snow. She had wanted her to suffer just like she had. Cruel, sadistic thoughts. Her father said that she just wanted someone to understand what she had endured, but Regina felt sick and disgusted of herself. Because even villains had moral standards, and she wouldn't wish what she went through on _anyone_. Because what happened to her was the definition of 'hell'. But she had. She had wished that on Snow.

And Snow didn't know about it, about her wild thoughts, but she knew of her actions. And after all those years, she still had hope. She still believes that she could change. Maybe it was the irrational, stupid, young love she had felt since she met her, but she always had kept the faith on her stepmother. Even after the horrors she had witnessed.

They locked eyes for seconds, and it felt relieving. It felt natural. When their hands intertwined, it felt like a summer day by the sea. It felt like a child's laughter. It felt like a snuggle against a warm body under the heavy covers. It felt happy. But happy wasn't instantaneous. Happy meant work. Happy meant sacrifice, and pain, and commitment. 

And she thought about it as the sun rose, as they walked hand in hand throught the forest. The blue sky, the green pine trees, her warm hand. Her black hair shone under the warm light, and her pale skin looked like it was made of porcelain. She had to admit it, Snow was the fairest. And probably, the dumbest. Because if Snow were smarter, she would know better than to trust a criminal. But she was hopelessly, helplessly in love with Regina. And she had gotten a string of hope, and she was holding onto it.

Becase Snow had always known about Regina. She could recognise the story behind her smiles, her glares, her gestures. She had known of Regina's pain, she had even suspected the source of them. She knew that dark haired monarch better than anyone. And she knew her words, back in the cell, had been real. Because after so many years, Snow could recognise the truth on Regina's words. She had always know when the other woman was in pain, because she would say she was fine. Great, even. And Snow had known it was all a lie. But this time, she knew it wasn't a pathetic attempt at being loved by her. It was as real as the air they breathed, as real as the blue sky and the green trees, as real as their flesh, torn and bruised.

And they reached a tavern. Snow covered Regina, hiding her face, and asked for a room. "My friend is running away from her husband. She needs a place to stay. Please, don't tell anyone I'm here, with her. She needs to be safe", she said. And Regina just followed her, lost in her thoughts. How she had hoped someone had hid her from her husband, or her mother, or that friend that betrayed her. Maybe she was being saved now. She had saved Snow's life once, and now Snow was saving hers. Because, in all honesty, Regina was going to die. If not because of an arrow, it would have been because of the poison she would have drank, or out of sadness. 

They sat down in a small bed, and Snow brushed her hair. They made the bed, using as many blankets as possible, as many as there were in the small, damp room. She wouldn't ask questions, because it would give the younger woman the right to ask her about anything. And Regina had had enough truth for the day.

They slept, tangled in each other in the most innocent way, in a way she had never experienced, because she had never slept next to someone innocent. She hugged Snow's waist, and Snow held her between her arms. And they slept, quietly and peacefully, without waisting their time on the tomorrow, because today was already tomorrow, which meant that they would have to come up with a plan. 

However, Snow had a plan. She already knew what to do next. Blame it on the daydream, if you want, but after so many years of dreaming about Regina, and all the alternative endings for their story, she was prepared for anything. Snow White was ready to go on, to fight. She wouldn't abandon Regina. She hadn't before, and now that she had her, why would she?


	2. I want you to stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This had become my online journal at this point lmao. I just wanted to say that some of the tags are precautionary warnings. I put "Underage" on the story, but it's not quite like that, and you'll find out why at the end of the chapter. I want to clarify (in case anyone has the doubt) that nothing happens while Snow is still a child/teenager. Her feelings are NOT welcomed. While Regina feels something for Snow when she's already a bandit, a completely different person and an adult, Snow feels what she feels towards Regina when she is a child. It's a one way love, so technically it wouldn't be underage, because all of Snow's intentions are rejected by Regina and her feelings are just childhood crush like, but I still felt like putting a warning, because maybe it can make you feel uncomfortable.  
> Also, this is slowburn... but its not at the same time? I mean, they have issues, they're fucked up, so it's gonna take time for them to fully be together, but I'm still gonna make them kiss and share their thoughts and daydream about the future, because their traumas and intern conflicts will not forbid them to fall in love with one another and be happy.   
> Oh, and finally, OldGlobe, you rock!!! You can just ask anything or demand anything and I will write it down because you are my personal boost!

It was just a few hours of sleep, but both women felt like they had been brought back to life. A little bit of rest, it was enough. They were hungry, the rumbling in their stomachs indicated it, but they had no time to waste. By then, Charming was already looking for Snow, and the whole kingdom was concerned about the Queen’s whereabouts. To be fair, Regina was concerned too, but it was about Snow’s little smile. When she opened her eyes, the pale skinned woman was looking at her, her head resting on her hand. She was looking at her with an unknown feeling in her eyes, something between admiration and lust, a strange mix. She had seen lust before, but not admiration. She wasn’t used to seeing positive feelings on anyone’s eyes.

“Good morning”, Snow said, with a big grin. She gave Regina some time to adjust herself to the surroundings. The older woman felt slightly nervous when she didn’t recognize the place, but it all came back to her the moment Snow talked. She had run away, they were hiding. Okay, no stress.

“What time is it?”, she asked with a rough voice. She was hungry, she probably woke up because of that. She couldn’t remember her dreams, which was strange enough considering that her dreams were always present. Always. Whether they were good or bad, she always remembered them. Those past years, they had all been nightmares. It was nice to wake up without any disturbing thought on her head. She could get used to this.

Snow got up, opening the curtains and letting the light illuminate the room. “We’ve missed lunch, it is afternoon already. Don’t worry, I have some fruit in her”, she said, grabbing a small wicker basket and putting it on the bed. “We don’t have much time to eat, Regina. We have to get going right now”, she added. It was true. A lot of people would be looking for them, and it didn’t matter if they were lodged in a trustworthy place. Sooner or later, they would be found.

Snow had learned the hard way that, when you _know_ you are the target, when you know everybody is looking for you, trying to hunt you, your best chance is an open space. If they were to be found on that small room, they wouldn’t stand a chance. But if they were on the forest, with plenty of space to run through, they would still have the chance of surviving, or even, the chance of winning.

And so, they ate some fruit and left. Regina had changed into a maiden’s dress, hiding her face with a hood and a scarf. If anyone wanted to know, Snow would say she was one of Regina’s prisoner, that she had escaped her and that she had to be reunited with her family. They had a good alibi, because Regina had to keep quiet and covered. But Snow was harder to hide, she was famous. Whether you were on her side or not, you knew Snow White. You could recognize her. So, what could they do about it? How could they fix that? Yes, Regina had magic, but she wasn’t loved, and therefore, she didn’t have any authority unless she murdered someone. Snow was the queen they wanted, and no one would help anyone that wasn’t her. So, as they walked hand in hand through the woods, Regina came up with an idea. They wouldn’t need to hide if they went home.

“What is your plan?”, she asked, but Snow kept looking forward, wary of the environment, cautious. Regina couldn’t help but observe and admire her behavior. She had become a survivor, a strong, brave woman. It was hard to look at the bandit and see her as Snow, because they didn’t feel the same. Snow had been a brat; a stupid, spoiled girl with selfish behavior and a taste for nagging everyone about her. Snow was a fickle child, but also a very jealous one: she wanted something, and she wanted it right there, but she wouldn’t let anyone else get close to what was her. Regina had known back then that she was also Snow’s ‘something’. She would call for her, using nice words and gentle smiles, but she had seen the child lashing out at servants for not getting her _what she wanted_. She wanted her stepmother, of course. She remembered that night, when the young princess lashed out at her father, demanding that he made Regina stay that week. They had to visit a neighbor kingdom to meet Snow’s possible pretender; the girl was become an adult, and she had to get married as soon as possible, so they would visit the young prince to see if he was good enough for her. Snow was not allowed to go, not yet, but that wasn’t what made her go mad that night. To Snow, it was the fact that her father _and_ Regina were going to be away for quite a few days. She couldn’t allow that. How could she allow that? She was lost without her stepmother.

But that was Snow, and the bandit was different. The bandit was guiding her through the trees and bushes, holding her hand and looking fierce, ready to fight in any moment. She had never imagined _that_ Snow as a queen, and she had certainly told her that, but she could picture _this_ Snow as a queen. She had the guts, the wits, and the bloodline.

“I think I know where we can stay”, Regina said, after minutes of silence. Snow hadn’t answered her question.

“Where?”, she asked, not looking back. She was still holding Regina’s hand, that was good. She didn’t need her eyes when she had her touch.

“My castle. Well, our castle”, she told Snow, making the woman stop on her tracks. “We can be safe there, until we figure out what to do. Hell, we don’t even need a plan! Just be the queen! It’s your castle, your crown, your throne… Let’s go there, it’s the safest option”, she said, with a little smile on her lips. The left-shoulder demon was back at it, telling her that she was stupid; “Regina, she’s gonna kill you. She will take the kingdom back and kill you. It’s all a trap, asshole!”, but Regina was meaner than her demons, and she could recognize a killer. If Snow had wanted to kill her, she would have killed her already. She wasn’t patient, or discreet. She was Snow White, not a mercenary. And she may have killed people in the past, but she wasn’t a murderer

Snow agreed, because she had no better option in mind, and a cloud of smoke swallowed them. She clanged onto Regina, the oldest being the shorter now. They appeared in Regina’s bed chambers, and it all looked the exact same. The bed, the vanity, the balcony. Snow could remember all of it, because all of her wild dreams had been in that scenario. It appeared like they had spent hours wandering through the woods, and the sun was going down. They were hungry again, but they could deal with the hunger, it wouldn’t be the first time they had starved. Regina was right, this was a safe space. Despite the bad memories of the last few years, Snow felt at home between those four walls. They changed clothes and took a bath, they needed it. Especially the witch, that had spent a week locked up in a musty cell wearing the same potato bag. She was conflicted by her stepdaughter’s behavior: she didn’t ask to be with her in the bathtub, she gave her some space, she even turned around when she undressed. She was respectful, kind, and that was a change on Snow, because Regina remembered all those moments when Snow didn’t think she knew. She knew, she knew all about the girl’s indiscretions, how she stared at her, how she touched her. There was nothing innocent about and it made her feel even more trapped, reinforcing the idea of being a toy, a doll. Maybe Snow had realized that women (or men) were not possessions or objects to own. She hoped she had. She couldn’t love someone with that mindset.

By the time they got in bed, again, none of them was hungry anymore, or tired. They had already slept. They were concerned, curious, excited, scared. They were confused, about their own feelings and the other woman’s feelings.

“Do you remember how I used to come here? In the middle of the night, because I was scared?”, Snow said, with a soft voice, getting closer to that familiar stranger she had always tried to decipher. She had noticed that Regina always picked the side of the bed that was closer to the door. It was easier to escape.

“I remember, yes”, she said. Regina felt a pale, thin hand combing her hair. It felt bizarre, to be treated in such way. She hoped Snow didn’t treat her like a broken doll. She was daydreaming about the future, about what would happen next now, when the truth was out. It all seemed so normal thus far, but she was preparing for the storm to come.

“I want to apologise for that night. I shouldn’t have done what I did”, she said, and Regina didn’t need any further explanation. She knew what night Snow was talking about. It had been on her sixteenth birthday. The princess had drunk too much wine, and Regina had to carry her so she wouldn’t fall flat. She tucked her in her bed, and Snow begged her to stay, to hug her. Hours after they had fallen asleep, she felt a hand moving, touching her delicately. The hand touched her lips, her cheeks, her neck; it went down to her collarbones, her shoulders. Those fingers -she didn’t need to open her eyes to see they were Snow’s- undid the buttons in her nightgown and wandered through her chest. That’s when she opened her eyes and swatted the girl’s hand. She was a child, and she had no interest in children. She told her she could make her happy, that she could love her the way she wanted to be loved, and Regina had to make a huge effort not to laugh at the girl’s face. She didn’t want to be loved _that way_ , not by a child whose biggest concern was the colour of the ball dress. She didn’t want anyone to touch her like that, to touch her _there_. She left Snow, hiding in her own bedroom, under her own covers. Her territory.

Now, years after that, they were in a similar position. Facing each other, Snow caressed her cheek.

“I want to kiss you. Would that be okay for me to do?”, she asked, almost like a child again. She had dreamt of that moment for years. She had dreamt of Regina, a lot, in all the different ways. She had dreamt of revenge sex, of putting her in her place, of punishing her. She had dreamt of work, of marriages, of two thrones next to each other. She had dreamt of many things, but this was her favourite dream: the thought of a woman, not the queen, or the witch, or the stepmother; just a woman, next to her, with a lip scar and a bright smile, letting herself be loved. It didn’t matter if Regina didn’t know how to love, because Snow had enough love for the two of them.

“I was hoping you did. You don’t need permission”, she said, hiding her insecurities and her fear behind a smug smile. It had been years since she had kissed a girl, and she had never been so sure about her abilities. She presented herself as a confident, overtly sexual woman, but Regina was not like that: she hated her body, the image the mirror showed her, and she hated to get undressed in front of anyone. She couldn’t bed anyone if she didn’t know them, because she needed to trust that person before she opened up to them in the most carnal way. And she knew, because she could feel it, that Snow knew things she didn’t, even if the girl was younger. And she didn’t want to be pathetic, or boring. So, she got closer, not quite touching her, but close enough for the other woman to kiss her.

“I do need permission. I love you; I respect you, and I want to do this when you are okay with it. I didn’t ask for permission once, and now I see how problematic I had been. I want you to trust me, and I want to do the right thing”, Snow said, and Regina’s heart fluttered. She was doing was no one had ever done before: she was asking for permission. She kissed her, softly and gently, not moving. In a matter of seconds, a pair of hands were touching her, taking off her clothes. She looked her in the eyes, a way of asking her if she was sure, but the older woman didn’t say no. In fact, she said yes, over and over, after hours and hours. Snow told her they should stop and rest, but Regina told her there was no rest for her that night. They could sleep later. There were more important things going on at the moment. The next they could be death, but it didn’t really matter between those sheets.

Death is not scary when you know you have been loved.


	3. Sliced out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I finally told my University assigments to fuck off, and gave myself some time to write a bit more. I'm not sure I can say much about the chapter, so I will talk about my perspective. Like oldglobe said, their relation is fucked up, not only because of what they did to each other, but because of their own issues. It always bothered me how all the fics painted Regina as the toxic, abusive one. No,sorry, but I can't agree, Regina has a HUGE emotional baggage and a lot of issues, and she had a lifetime of abuse in every way possible; so yeah, she may not know how to express her feeling of how to control her emotions, but I don't think she would end up being as toxic and abusive as they usually made her be in fics. TBH, i always got the feeling that she was starving for love and appreciation, and that yes, she was good at manipulating, but she was also very manipulable.  
> As for Snow, I get the feeling she had a split personality in some way, because she went from selfish and mean and bratty and unsufferable, to being a good person, someone whose purpose was to help. But still, she has issues too, and to make her a martyr would simple be inacurrate, because she wouldn't stand for any abuse, regardless of how in love she were with anyone. She knows her value, she has survived for years without barely any help, and to make her a shy, over forgiving person seems (to me) like a caricature. But hey, that's my opinion! I just wanted to tell you all so you can understand why I'm writing them the way I do and why the story goes this way. They have many layers, that's why I said it would be slowburn, but then it wouldn't. Their physical relationship may go faster than their emotional relationship, because sex can be easier that feelings, because trust and cooperation is harder to get, because a kiss doesn't mean forgiveness or acceptance of anything.

She was on top of her when she grabbed her by the hips and made her sit on her. She hadn’t expected the shift, and she squealed in surprise. It was a fast, quick move. They had changed positions in seconds, and she wasn’t used to that. She wasn’t used to being on top of anyone, and she felt lightweight, like a feather. Each passing minute, her body continued to abandon her soul. She didn’t even need to do anything, because Snow was doing it all. The touching, the groping, the kissing. The black-haired girl had soft hands and strong arms. She had noticed some rough parts on her hands, given to her by the rough life of a thief, but she wasn’t rough. There was a difference: Regina had experienced rough hands being rough, soft hands being rough, and rough hands being soft. Snow was different, new. She was soft but assuring, she didn’t mark her like an animal. She didn’t pinch, or bite, or scratch. But she was firm, a way of saying “I’ve got you”. Regina, as little experience as she had, could recognize the intention of a touch. She had been touched, groped, handled in possessive ways; hands and lips and eyes telling her to get on her knees and shut up, telling her to do what she was told, telling her not to try and run away unless she wanted to feel the consequences. This time, the meaning was the complete opposite: Snow wanted her to talk, to scream, to move; to be rebellious, to fight back, to lose control, to gain control. To be herself. She appreciated that.

“Are you sure?”, she asked, her pink lips forming the words, but she was eager to continue. Snow sat on the bed, pulling her closer, as close as she could, until they looked like a sculpture, two bodies merged, impossible to separate. She grabbed Regina by the chin, softly but without hesitation, and made her look at her. If someone had asked her, she wouldn’t have been able to tell anyone the real eye color of Snow, because her eyes looked darker, almost black, and the moonlight wasn’t enough for them to shine. She didn’t really look like herself, with tangled hair and a leader’s attitude. She wondered for a moment if she was actually looking at Snow or at some unknown girl that resembled her.

“I am sure. Just do what you wanna do”, she said, leaning her forehead on the woman’s thin shoulder. Her hands clutched to her lover’s back, and she tried to keep quiet, preparing herself for some sort of physical pain down there, but it didn’t come. She really was comfortable, enjoying. She lost the track of time and she couldn’t remember what she had been doing; it was like being drunk, you are aware that something happened, but you can’t recall what happened.

To Regina, it was all the same: she had scratched out of furor and ecstasy, and she had bit a little, just to keep quiet. Snow didn’t want her quiet and still, she wanted her alive, expressive, and she told her so.

When their bodies hit the mattress, none of them could move. It had been like a chess game, one queen versus the other. They took turns, trying to impress and pleasure the other, until their bones and muscles couldn’t take it any longer. They laid back, staring at the ceiling.

“When have you learned that?”, the brunette asked. She was curious, it was obvious. She had seen a side of her enemy she never expected to see. She dreamt about it, she had thought about it, when her body was next to someone that couldn’t give her what she wanted, but she had never expected to see it, to experience it in her own flesh.

“I could ask you the same thing”, Snow replied, with a little giggle. Reality was definitely better than fiction, she could see that. A dream come true, a dream that she hoped she would relieve many more times.

“I could use a hot bath”, Regina said, ignoring Snow’s words. She would tell her all about, eventually… but not that night. Not when she was battling against her own insecurities and internal conflicts.

“Do you think I can fit in the bathtub?”, Snow asked, a mischievous grin in her face. The older brunette imitated that expression, and they bathed together. The princess has always been mesmerized by magic, and how people used it. Seeing Regina use it, even if just to keep the water warm and to light up the candles, made her stare in awe. Such a strange feeling, a mix between amusement and carnal desire. There was no doubt that Regina was like a Greek goddess, those that appeared on the books, like Venus or Athena. And she wanted all she could get. Selfish? Maybe, but she didn’t think about her fiancé, who was probably looking for her, or the thousands of people that had suffered because of her war against the woman. She felt in the clouds. With the warm water and her body protecting the other woman’s body, she felt invincible. Some would say she had lost her sanity, but she felt saner than ever.

“Do you know you were my first dream?”, she said, breaking up the silence and making Regina look at her.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”, she asked, confused, staring at the girl. She had scars, burns, muscles. She had changed, that was for sure, and it mad her feel a bit relieved because, if Snow had scars too, it mean she would understand hers; she wouldn’t feel disgusted about them, she wouldn’t laugh at her. And you may call her vain, but she had had a lifetime of being ugly, of being the second best, and it would be appreciated to be consider a priority, to be considered beautiful beyond the physical.

“You were my first dream… you know… those _dreams_ you have when you are becoming an adult…?”, she tried to be prudent, she didn’t want to say the wrong words and come off as vulgar, especially with someone as elegant and intelligent as Regina, but the other woman didn’t seem to understand the meaning of her sentence. “Wet dreams, baby. That’s the type of dreams I was talking about”.

She took another bath, a reflex act. She was used to taking baths after _that_ , because she always had felt dirty, and she needed to wash it all away. This time, Snow kneeled by the bathtub, her arms crossed over the edge of it, her head tilted to the side as she watched her lover relax under the boiling water.

Regina blushed when she realized the type of dreams Snow must have had about her, and she thanked the candles and the hot water because they gave her an alibi. She wouldn’t blush about something like that, right? She knew she was beautiful, she made big efforts to keep being that beautiful, but she had been caught by surprise. She didn’t expect Snow to have such feelings for her, not like that. She had never expected to be in anyone’s dreams, at least not of that nature. But then again, she had seen that, she had been stared at in worse ways. It was cute, truth be told, that the woman next to her saw her is such an alien yet welcomed way. She envied her, somehow, for Snow was free and rebellious, and she had experienced much more than Regina. She had seen the world, she had had fun; she had suffered, too, both of them had, but at least the younger woman had had some good moments too, with protective friends that adored.

Should she ask about the dumb prince?

“Should I be worried I was your first infatuation?”, she asked, throwing her hair back.

“I don’t know. Do you feel like you should?”, Snow replied, taking a wet strand of hair and putting it behind her ear. Regina didn’t respond to that question. “I’ll give you some time to think about it. Let me go get you some food, we could use some food”, she added, with a smile, getting on her feet.

“Wait!”, Regina said. “You shouldn’t be seen here, not yet. There’s a lot of people here that dislike you. Why don’t you fetch me a bathrobe? I can get the food”, she said, almost getting on her feet too.

“Nonsense. I’m good at hiding. I will get you food, no one will notice”, she insisted, and Regina relaxed again. It didn’t need to be dangerous; after all, Snow had been so good at hiding, she had been the one on a cell. She wasn’t a stupid girl anymore; she could definitely help herself in a castle she had known since birth.

Snow left, moving swiftly and quickly until she reached the kitchens, where she found a couple kissing. The castle’s gossips weren’t new to her, she had grown up between rumors and lies, but she had missed it. Snow had never been the type of girl to have many friends; in fact, her only friend had been Regina. Not a mother, or a sister, but a friend. That’s why Snow had always enjoyed the gossips in the hallways, they made her life easier back then. She had been so surprised by the couple -especially the boy- that she had frozen in the place.

They noticed her and were just as surprised.

“Are you… are you Veronica…?”, she asked. What a sight for sore eyes. She had known that girl, she lived in Ruby’s village. She had been told that she had disappeared one day, but that she was safe, and she wondered if she had run away, just like she did. Now, she was asking herself why that girl was in the Castle’s kitchens, and if it was all a trick. Because Regina knew of Snow’s family, and she _had_ to know that Veronica was in Ruby’s village, a girl the werewolf considered almost like a little cousin. What if Regina had taken that girl? What if it was all a trap? Regina knew how to lie, how to manipulate, how to hurt. Maybe she had been fooling enough to end up in the death’s row.

But she didn’t have time to ask the girl anything else, because she disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of the chapter! I will try to update as soon as possible, but I think this story is gonna need time to be perfected, because I refuse to upload those "some dumb content to fill the gaps" chapters, and I think a long chapter per week is better than five short chapters per week. Anyway, I would love to hear your thoughts and theories about the story!!


	4. I was doing better alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not good at keeping the mystery going, and I should be... but I'm not. A longer chapter, some explanations, and a bit of angst. Oh, and some violence and some anger issues. Not very graphic violence, but you should consider yourself warned. I am aware of how a character's behaviour on this chapter is gonna look, that means OOC... but I promise it will all make sense the next chapter. No sexy times today, just arguments and hurt without comfort (for now). This is gonna get messier from now on, but that's the fun of it, isn't? If it were all rainbow kissed and unicorn stickers, it would be booooooooooooring. And I hate boring.   
> Anyways, enjoy!!!

Right when she was about to touch the door handle, a voice spoke behind her.

“I saw her. And she saw me. And I don’t know why she’s here”, the girl behind her said. She had been too slow; she should have never let Snow leave the room. If she had left instead of Snow, this would have never happened. Because now Snow knew Veronica, and Veronica was supposed to be a secret. No one could know where she was, or who she was, for her head would be on a silver plate.

“You might want to take a seat, dear”.

Snow raced through the corridors, trying to reach Regina’s room as soon as possible. She wasn’t armed, but she had such amount of stamina in her body, that she doubted she would need any weapon to kill the queen.

Had it all been a trick, all along?

When she entered the room, two people were sitting on the bed, caught by surprise by a black-haired girl with a lot of question.

She felt fury in her heart, her jealousy growing bigger, stronger.

“You knew who she was, didn’t you? You knew I knew her, that my friends did. That’s what you did, you abducted her”, she said, getting closer to Regina, grabbing a pair of scissors on her way. She could have asked in a peaceful way, but this had been the last straw. You can never trust a bitchy little witch. How naïve had she been? She had thought it was all so simple, so easy, and now reality was hitting her in the face.

“Snow, calm down. There is a reasonable explanation for it, trust me. Just calm down, and listen to me”, Regina said, unsure of what to do next. Whatever idea Snow had on her mind; it was wrong. She was wrong. But she kept getting closer until her knees touched the bed, leaning over the brunette. Her mind was spiraling, going to very dark places, and she couldn’t control it. The dwarfs had told her once that she had to control her impulses, her anger. That she could be, sometimes, quite volatile; when Snow realized they were right, she tried to change her behavior, but it was a constant work. Her attitude was good in a battlefield, but she had admitted a long time ago that her attitude wasn’t as positive as she thought. Still, she had to make a huge effort to control herself, and now she was losing her grip. She needed to calm down, but she couldn’t control herself anymore.

Thankfully, she was slammed against a wall. She knew it hadn’t been Regina. She didn’t have any proof but, for some unknown reason, she knew it hadn’t been her. She just stared at Snow, sitting on the bed. By the time the pale skinned girl tried to get up, Veronica was next to her, looking at her with disdain, almost mocking her. She hadn’t known the girl before, besides a few words here and there when she first met Ruby, back when she was seventeen, scared, and running away from her stepmother. That girl, with lilac eyes and a baby doll face, lived with everyone. Eugenia, Ruby’s granny, had told her that Veronica had been found in the woods when she was just a newborn, and the whole village had taken care of her. She didn’t have any parents, and no one had adopted her, but they took care of her. People like Ruby and Granny had taught her how to sew, how to cook, and even how to collect vegetable. She had seen her briefly, running away again after a few months in Ruby’s place, but whenever she had visited Granny again, the old woman had told her how proud she was of that little girl that everyone wanted to keep. Now, looking at her, the little girl was gone. It had been her, she had magic and she had used it against her. Snow thought for a second, is she fucking her? It didn’t really matter if Regina had already told her she didn’t like them younger (in this case, younger enough to be her own daughter), because Snow couldn’t think straight.

“Consider yourself warned”, the girl, a teenager already, told her on her way out. Maybe Regina had known she was a witch, or a wizard, or something like that, and had taken her to use her, or to train her. But then again, Regina didn’t want any rivals, so she would have just killed her, wouldn’t she?

“You tried to kill me”, the woman said, without moving a single muscle. She didn’t show any type of feeling, not even a cruel grin. “I think you need to calm down. You should go to your old room, you need your space”, she added, getting up and grabbing a glass of water.

“I don’t…”

“It’s not a suggestion, it’s an order”. Regina finished the conversation with a simple sentence, but Snow had much more to say. It was funny, because she couldn’t explain what had just happened, but she was sure that Regina had already labeled her as something negative. Aggressive, jealous, belligerent, brutal… and she wasn’t giving her the chance to explain herself. It was probably for the best: reality had slapped her in the face, she needed to think about what she had just done. It seemed like everyone was right when they said that Regina could get her on her nerves. It was more than that, she had the ability to crawl under her skin and made her change overnight. Although she had been aggressive before, she had never been like that; obviously, she wasn’t going to hurt Regina. Or was she? She needed to think about it, because this was a new territory, a new place she didn’t master, and she needed to focus. If she wanted the relationship to work, she would have to analyze her own mind.

On the other side, Regina was speechless. She should have seen it coming, but she had gotten her hopes up, and somehow… she didn’t expect that. She should have known that there was no turning back, that she would never be forgiven, that she was irredeemable. Because she was, because she wasn’t trustworthy. She missed those days when she was reliable, when people liked her, when people asked for her help. Ages since that, since she was a regular child, no magic and no darkness, no death and no sadness.

She exited her room; at this point, everybody would know already that she hadn’t been executed, that she was hiding in her own castle. She damned Snow for being not so discreet. She didn’t feel like bearing the looks of anyone, the questions, the rumors. No, thank you, she had had enough those last few days. She made her way to the west wing, climbing the steep stairs until she reached a door. The bars before the actual door opened, followed by the metal door. She remembered that tower very well, she used to spend days, even weeks, locked in there. It was a way of punishing her. To be fair, that was the most peaceful thing she could have gotten in that moment. Being in that tower meant being lonely, but it also meant being alone, untouched. It wasn’t the biggest room, especially for a castle, and her father couldn’t visit her, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t see him through a mirror.

The little tower was warmer now, with flowers in vases and several books on a shelf. There was a target on a wall, and a set of arrows and bow resting on a chair. There were candles, boxes, a blanket over the small size bed. If Regina had to describe how that room looked like, she would say it was a mix between a scholar and an alchemist.

“There is something I have to tell you”, she said, entering the room. The candles’ flames got bigger for a second, which meant that Veronica was not feeling easy. She could be angry, nervous… who knew. “May I sit?”, she asked the girl; Veronica moved her hand, but didn’t say a word, refusing to look at her in the eye. God knew that girl was just as dramatic as her mother, Regina could tell. She had gotten many things of her mother, which was a relief. Maybe not the physical, but Regina could see how much that girl looked like the mother that couldn’t raise her. The hair, the lips, the attitude, the smile. She wished she had been able to give that girl a chance to meet her family before they went away, but it was too late. When she met Veronica, it was all too late. All she could give her was an education, the opportunity to explore her power, a roof, food. Maybe not love, because she didn’t know how to love, or how to protect, but she owed her that. She owed the girl many things.

She sat on the bed, waiting for the lilac-eyed girl to turn around and talk to her, but she didn’t say a word.

“Okay, I should have told you. I should have told you I was here. I should have told you she was here… I did not know how to tell you, but I should have. You want to be treated like an adult, so I will treat you like an adult. The week I spent on death row… it made me think. And she offered me a chance at changing, at having my happy ending. It was all impulsive, I know! But I… I just got carried away…”

“But I thought you were dead, and then, I thought you had abandoned me. Put yourself on my show, will you? I thought I had lost my _mother_ ”, she spat out, and Regina sighed. She was right. It took her two years to find out that the little girl that was going to be killed for murdering a priest was her daughter, and it took her another two years to form a bond with her. She tried to hide her from the world, as she would be burned at the stake, but that action meant that the girl couldn’t tell anyone they were related; she could understand the angst, the pain, not knowing if the only family you have is going to come back home. She had gotten carried away by childish fantasies.

“She’s the reason I was abandoned”, she said, hiding her pain behind a sneer. Oh, she looked so much like Regina did when she was her age… how could she had been so blind for so long?

“That’s not true. She never wanted you to be alone. She wanted a sister, trust me, I know. I know I have not been fair with her, so now I have to be true with you. I always blamed her for what happened to you, but it was her father, not her. She was just a child, she never wanted to hurt you”, Regina explained, but Veronica shut her up with her hand. She didn’t want to hear anything else about it.

“She was a child too when she murdered your lover. Mother, stop looking for some sort of sugar coated redemption by the hands of a selfish traitor”, she told her, getting up and grabbing a dress she was mending. She didn’t want to hear more about her mother’s infatuation with a stupid hero. They had a plan, a curse to cast, so they could be together without hiding, leaving a peaceful life. Now, someone else was distracting her mother off their plans, and she couldn’t tolerate that. How could she? After so many years of not having a family, she wasn’t going to let go of what she had, as bizarre and dangerous as it was.

“She tried to kill you. That alone should make reconsider if your daydream is any possible”, Veronica said. Maybe she was right. Maybe…

But Snow couldn’t sit still. Her old room looked the same it did all those years ago, maybe a bit dusty, but still the same, nevertheless. She had missed the comfortable bed, the pillows, the books. It didn’t suit her anymore, but it was her room. A time capsule. A time travel. She felt small again, needy, desperate, innocent. There was not much of that little girl in her anymore, just the hope and the foolish bravery.

It reminded her of all those happy moments that she thought everyone shared. Back then, Snow was in her own bubble, thinking all her joy was shared with the entire castle. Looking back, now she realized how naïve she had been: all those happy moments, especially with Regina, had been a mirage, a lie. Such suffering hidden behind kind eyes and beautiful smiles. She wondered, alone in that big room, if Regina’s love had been 100% real. She knew there was some truth in their relationship, but she also knew there were some lies. Her smile was always a bit sad, always reassuring her she was happy, reassuring her she was fine. She remembered a few genuine moments, like when Regina gave birth to her sister, how her whole pregnancy was happy and easy and good. She could her being a mother, she wished she were a mother _with_ her.

But then, the baby had been a stillborn, and she had no sister, and Regina had no daughter. She often wondered how things would have been if her sister, her unnamed sister, had survived. Maybe the black-haired beauty wouldn’t have been so cruel, so evil.

There was no point in thinking about it anymore. She had much more important questions that needed an answer.

She left the castle quietly, risking all that she was planning on building, to visit a village near the summer palace. Ruby’s village.

When she knocked at the door, she knew the fairies were on her side… because Granny, the only person with answers, opened the door.


	5. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back at 1:03 A.M and I have no idea of what I'm doing, but I don't care at this point. Maybe I should warn you that there is some use of drugs on this episode, and of course the tags will all make sense in future chapters, because they will talk A LOT about hard to swallow stuff. Also, I'm gonna add mor characters and some flashbacks. I know we love them together, but there is a reason Regina has a daughter, there is a reason they have certain irration moments... and well, if this were a drabble, I would focus on them, but I want to create a full story with an ending that makes sense.   
> Also, I was thinking of creating a series of OneShots based on prompts, so... if you have any idea... whatever... and you would like to read something related... leave it in the comments?

As for Regina, she was smoking. She discovered a potential mix of herbs that other witches, the wild ones that lived in the woods, used to relax. She rolled the mix between paper, sealing it with a thick substance obtained in the trees. All that had a name, but she was so drugged she couldn’t remember it. She brought the cigarette to her lips and lit it up with a fireball.

She took some wine, straight from the bottle. She was sprawled on the couch, in the library. Everything was spinning around her, everything was fading. Maybe she had taken too much of that shit. Whatever. She had a restless night, falling asleep and waking up again, over and over. She couldn’t remember the nightmares, but the feeling of distress had settled in her chest. She sobered up, then she ate as many cookies as she could, and then she drank all the water in sight. Her head hurt a bit, her muscles had gone numb, and she was disorientated. She went by outburst, feeling exhausted the moment she had obtained the food and the water. She had done that before, smoking and drinking, but it had never been so… exaggerated. However, it made her forget all her worries, except for the nightmares. It was about dawn when she decided to take a walk. With loose hair and a cream coloured nightgown, she ventured into the castle’s gardens. She wasn’t looking for anything or anyone. She just wanted to relax, to forget, to stop caring.

Her mother had told her once that daydreaming was not good, and she had to admit now that mother knew best, because she had daydreamt too much lately, all her plans were crumbling down, all her hopes. Why had she ever thought she could be forgiven? She sure as hell should know by now that forgiveness was beyond her reach. Now she had built certain expectations over the last few years, and she had already dreamt of how their lives would be together. She had gotten lost in the midst of all the kisses, and hugs, and regrets. However, she knew she wouldn’t trade her daughter for a lover, she had never done such a thing and she would never do it in any moment; but it hurt how she had been accused of doing something ominous when the story was not fully developed. And the worst part was that she was starting to question if she had actually forced Veronica to be her daughter. It had happened since she was a child: Regina would be happy one day, and the next day she would feel like horseshit, she would act impulsively over and over and she would lie to cover up the mistakes she had done. She would want to live life to the fullest right after considering if she should throw herself from a balcony. She would feel like the worst person ever right after feeling like a goddess. A part of her tried to reason with the other part of herself, telling herself that the haze would pass, that she would get better, but in the span of a few hours, the many Reginas inside of her would talk, and behave, and fuck things up as much as they could.

And now, she was wandering through the gardens, freezing to her bones, with the sun rising, overthinking.

She couldn’t even calm down when she saw Snow, dirty and with puffy eyes, telling her to go back inside. The younger girl besides her said they had to talk, but she couldn’t process it, she wasn’t inside of her own body. She could barely remember when they sat on the bed. Snow kept talking, but she was talking too fast, too loud, and she was getting confused.

Maybe she was going crazy. Maybe she had always been crazy.

She stared at the ceiling for hours, sitting still until her bones ached.

She felt the urge to kill herself. 

By the time she was herself again, Snow had fallen asleep and the sun was blinding her. She lay down, tried to rest, but it was futile. She should have known better than to fall in love again. 

"Hey", Snow said the moment Regina got up, her warm hand touching her cold arm. Like fire and ice clashing to see which one gave up the sooner.

"Hey", she answered with a rough voice, as if she had been screaming for hours. She had been quiet for hours, and maybe that's why her voice was so different. 

"Are you feeling better? You had... zoned out..."; she added, looking at the queen with concern. Regina brushed it off, as she usually did. She wasn't good at expressing her feelings. She wasn't good at being taken care of. It scared her, to rely on someone because, what if that person disappeared? What if she was left alone once more?

"Yes, everything's alright. Do you have any plan to get out of this mess you created?"

Snow flinched at the "you", thrown at her with disdain, with disgust, as if this whole thing had been her fault, and because she knew Regina that well, she knew she wasn't talking about the fight, for which she took full responsability, but rather the whole journey since the cell confession. 

"I think we need to talk. I want to talk", she said, trying to avoid the other woman's tone.

"Well, taking isn't gonna save us, is it?", the brunette replied, without facing the girl she wasn't so sure she loved.

"But it is important. Look, I know I was a stupid brat yesterday, and I regret it. Trust me, I do", SNow said, getting up and following Regina, who kept moving around the room. "And I can't excuse my behaviour, I can't blame it on anyone byt myself. I lost control, my worst fears and emotions took over me, I was untameble, and I can't go back in time and undo it, but I am sorry. It wasn't your fault, and I had no right to behave that way".

Regina turned around, facing Snow. Finally, looking at each other's eyes. 

"It's just that... I don't know... Fuck! I lose control and I hurt people and I get a pass because I excuse myself with the "I'm doing this for the greater good" but, damn, I'm sorry. And I try to control it, to surpress it... And I hurt you and I hate myself for doing it, because I swore myself that I would never hurt you if this situation ever happened... And I want to love you, to take care of you, to protect you... and I destroyed everything, didn't I?", she asked, all frenzied out after blurting out her thoughts.

"What if I destroyed it? What if I'm not good for you? What if we just rushed to a story without any potential, without any possitive outcome?", Regina said, doubting who she was. Oh God, not this paranoia again...

"But... I'm the one who hurt you...", Snow said, not fully understanding the bigger picture. She had been the one trying to attack Regina, the one jumping into absurd conclussions.

"But maybe I deserved it", she said, looking away. What if she deserved it? What if girls like her could only get as much as that? 

"Wait, what? No, not at all! Regina, don't say that. No one deserves that", Snow said, cupping her face with her hands, as gently as she could, pulling her closer. "You don't deserve this, nobody does. You have have done your fair share of horrible, unspeakable things, but maybe you wouldn't have done them if someone had loved you the right way, if you hadn't been hurt so much. You deserve to be loved. You deserve _better_ ", she stated, with a soft voice and love dripping of it, and Regina couldn't help but cry. Like a dike, breaking out harshly and violently. Oh, how she wished she could stop the buzzing in her head, how she wished she could just be happy, to truly believe she deserved it. It was hard to feel like you deserved love after a lifetime of suffering, of cold words and cutting touches. 

"Don't leave. Please, don't go away. I'm so sorry", she kept saying, for hours and hours, until she couldn't cry any more tears, until she couldn't breathe no more. Snow sat her in the bed, trying to lay her down, but Regina had an iron grip on her forearm. She was scared of everything surrounding her.

"You need to rest, to disconnect", the pale girl said smiling sweetly. 

"No", Regina said, regaining her voice. "Fuck me", she added. And SNow couldn't take it seriously, she had seen many people in her life begging for company in the most bizarre ways. If she was a different person, she would have done that, she would have fucked her, she would have used her momentary weakness to take advantage of her, only to get rid of her afterwards. But she wasn't, so she just cuddled her, as respectfully as she could, reassuring her she wouldn't be left alone. 

Neither of them woke up in days, for when they did, they wouldn't know where they were...


End file.
